Where I've Been

It’s been a month since I last updated this site. I didn’t mean for a month to go by, but then again, no one ever plans on things going wrong. I took a break from writing on this blog due to a few factors. There’s the normal “it’s cold and gray and that makes me not feel motivated” feeling that I get every year. This year, I also had a few unexpected events and stressors in my personal life that gave me zero motivation to do anything. The combination of these factors made me feel incredibly depressed for a number of weeks. To be perfectly honest, I still feel somewhat depressed, but I believe it's getting better.

Rather than gloss over the way I’ve been feeling, or pretending that I didn’t go on an unexpected hiatus, I want to talk about it. The situation, while far from ideal, gives me a reason to talk a bit more about my mental health, and mental health in general. Because depression is a bad word to some people. Others think it's synonymous with “sadness” which we all know is not the case. Going outside isn’t going to cure my depression. Telling me i need to eat organic won’t “fix” me either. I put fix in quotation marks because I don’t like words like that because “fix” implies something is broken or wrong. Depression isn’t unnatural. It’s one of the most common mental illnesses in the adult population.

When I began feeling this way, I pulled back from doing things I enjoyed. That’s one of the more well-known symptoms of depression, loss of interest in things that you used to enjoy. At one point, I spent an entire day on Youtube watching video after video about the latest drama in the make-up community because I couldn’t do anything else. I can’t really pinpoint where the turning point was for me or what made me realize I needed to make some changes, but it was around this time. So, instead of pulling back from everything, I took a step back and re-evaluated. Was I trying to deal with too much at once? Where could I make changes? What were small things I could do that made me feel like I’d accomplished something? It’s a slow process, it’s still ongoing and I doubt there will be an end date, but I’m getting better. I’m feeling better and that’s what matters to me.

I’m not a psychologist or therapist. I’m aware of the fact that I’m not qualified, at all, to give advice about dealing with depression. Everyone’s different, what works for everyone is different. There’s a reason why some people who are diagnosed with depression decide to take antidepressants while others choose to see a therapist and still others do neither. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. I started writing this post mostly because I wanted to talk about what I’ve been going through. I apologize if that seems selfish.

Five Habits I’m Hoping to Abandon in 2020

As the saying goes “New Year, New You”. As 2019 comes to a close, and what a year it’s been, I’ve started looking forward to the new year. I’m pretty sure everyone is and people have already started discussing their New Year’s Resolution. Personally, I never make a resolution. I’m not going to criticize anyone who sets a resolution, or any goal really, but that kind of thing never works for me. I set a resolution and if I fall behind or I mess up, I start beating myself up about the delay and/or setback and that causes me more stress than fulfilling the resolution itself.

With all of that said, I’ve compiled a list of five behaviors or habits I’m trying to rid myself of in the coming year. I hope posting it on here, and doing check-ins every now and then will motivate me to actually stick with this.

5) Saying “No” Out of Fear

I mentioned in an earlier post that people don’t like change because its scary. I’m reluctant to try new things because they might not be fun or I might not be good at it. But, as you can probably see, there’s no way I can know until I try. This habit doesn’t just refer to say, learning how to rock climb, it also encompasses a habit I know I’m guilty of. If I’m invited to something, and I don’t think I’ll know enough other people there, I don’t go. Looking back at how many times I’ve sent the “sorry, something came up, I can’t come” text in the last few years makes me sad. How much time with my own friends have I missed out on because I’m scared of being awkward or not knowing many people? So, my aim in 2020 is to do less of that. To still go to the party, even if only two or three people I know are there. To actually go to that art class or on that trip.

4) Eating Unhealthy Foods

So, I kind of have a problem. I love junk food. I know pizza, Doritos and Oreos aren’t healthy for me, but I love them none the less. I also know that there are improvements to my diet I can, and should be making. Eating more vegetables and whole grains, trying to reduce the amount of sugar and saturated fats in my diet. I’m not planning on making any huge lifestyle changes, such as going vegan or cutting out all carbs, but I’m going to try and eat a little healthier in the new year. Less fast food, less red meat, less processed food, etc. I’m hoping this change might help improve my energy levels and reduce some other occasional issues I've been dealing with.

3) Holding Onto Anger

I’m a human being. We don’t always act rationally. When people wrong me, or anger me, I hold onto it. I know that’s not healthy. I acknowledge that its not healthy for me mentally. I don’t enjoy being angry all the time. So, I’m going to try not to be. Instead of focusing on how Person A cut me off in traffic, or a confrontation I had with Person B three days ago, I’m going to start learning how to let things go. After all, anger hasn’t helped me get anything constructive done in a long time.

2) Spending on Things I Don’t Need

I feel like this one is a no-brainer, but I’ll explain anyway. I’m in my 20s. I’m pretty much broke, as most people are in their 20s. However, I don’t want to stay broke. Part of this comes from having debt I’m paying off, or just not having enough savings. In order to build up your savings, though, you need to actually save. My hope is that in 2020, I’ll be a little bit wiser and be more fiscally responsible. I don’t need to order takeout as often as I do. I can bring lunch to work instead of buying it from the closest sandwich shop. Now, that’s not to say I won’t splurge occasionally, but I’m going to put a serious effort into reducing my day-to-day spending.

1) Procrastinating

At time of writing, it is December 23^rd. Christmas is in two days. I still haven’t finished my shopping. A lot of my day-to-day stress comes from the fact that I procrastinate. I convince myself I have way more time to finish something than I do, then I freak out when the deadline is right around the corner and spend more time worrying about getting the task done and the quality than it would have taken if I’d either completed it earlier, or slowly worked towards finishing. I feel that procrastinating less will hopefully make my 2020 less stressful.

Those are the habits I'm hoping to abandon in 2020. Wish me luck!

Why Is It So Hard to Know Yourself?

Photo by Doug Robichaud on Unsplash

Why Is It So Hard to Know Yourself?

I was talking to a friend recently. I'd told her a few months ago that I had decided to start online dating again, but I hadn't mentioned it in a while. It came up in conversation recently, and she asked me how it was going, if I'd met someone new, if I'd stopped looking, etc. My answer probably sounded a little strange to her (but I also overthink things) because I said I'd pressed pause on dating for a little bit, as I was dealing with some personal stuff.

My personal stuff wasn't anything bad or serious. I just realized that I needed to figure out who I am now. To be clear, I haven't gone through some major life change recently or anything. The closest major thing I can think of that happened was getting my first "real" job, and that was almost a year ago.

Still, recently I've been trying to figure out who I am. Because I'm a real adult now. And not only am I a real adult, but I'm having to think about things differently. I'm learning to do things for myself, like dealing with car problems myself instead of calling my dad in a panic. Or signing up for, and completing the necessary paperwork, to get health insurance or start a 401k. Needing to do these things for myself for the first time is an interesting and eye-opening experience. I don't know anything about investments or who I want my beneficiaries to be.

Anyway, I'm getting off-topic. I've been taking some time to figure out who I am now. The fact that I needed to do that made me start thinking. Why is it so hard to know yourself? Why is it so hard for anyone to know themselves? I think I might've found the answer, or at least, an answer.

It's so hard for us to know ourselves because we don't like change. As humans, we change throughout our life. At 25, I'm not the same person I was at 16. When I turn 35, I won't be the person I am now. That's natural, it's human nature. But in our ability to change comes a contradiction. We don't like change, we often don't want things to change. Change is scary. At the same time, we know its inevitable. We know change is how we grow. We just don't want to admit it. Some of our reluctance comes from fear of the unknown. Entering a new stage in your life means new challenges, gaining new perspectives. Some reluctance comes from regrets. Opportunities we didn't take full advantage of when we could have. Chances we didn't take.  Behaviors we aren't proud of. It's a well-known trend that most of us find old journal entries or old photos and cringe at the clothes we used to wear or the dreams we used to have. We don't want to move from where we currently are, but we don't want to be stuck there either.

We're always changing. Always evolving, Always learning. This is why I dread being asked "tell me about yourself" because I don't fully know who I am. I don't know if I ever will.

I apologize if this is a little too heavy or too philosophical for some, but I needed to get it off my chest.