Where I've Been

It’s been a month since I last updated this site. I didn’t mean for a month to go by, but then again, no one ever plans on things going wrong. I took a break from writing on this blog due to a few factors. There’s the normal “it’s cold and gray and that makes me not feel motivated” feeling that I get every year. This year, I also had a few unexpected events and stressors in my personal life that gave me zero motivation to do anything. The combination of these factors made me feel incredibly depressed for a number of weeks. To be perfectly honest, I still feel somewhat depressed, but I believe it's getting better.

Rather than gloss over the way I’ve been feeling, or pretending that I didn’t go on an unexpected hiatus, I want to talk about it. The situation, while far from ideal, gives me a reason to talk a bit more about my mental health, and mental health in general. Because depression is a bad word to some people. Others think it's synonymous with “sadness” which we all know is not the case. Going outside isn’t going to cure my depression. Telling me i need to eat organic won’t “fix” me either. I put fix in quotation marks because I don’t like words like that because “fix” implies something is broken or wrong. Depression isn’t unnatural. It’s one of the most common mental illnesses in the adult population.

When I began feeling this way, I pulled back from doing things I enjoyed. That’s one of the more well-known symptoms of depression, loss of interest in things that you used to enjoy. At one point, I spent an entire day on Youtube watching video after video about the latest drama in the make-up community because I couldn’t do anything else. I can’t really pinpoint where the turning point was for me or what made me realize I needed to make some changes, but it was around this time. So, instead of pulling back from everything, I took a step back and re-evaluated. Was I trying to deal with too much at once? Where could I make changes? What were small things I could do that made me feel like I’d accomplished something? It’s a slow process, it’s still ongoing and I doubt there will be an end date, but I’m getting better. I’m feeling better and that’s what matters to me.

I’m not a psychologist or therapist. I’m aware of the fact that I’m not qualified, at all, to give advice about dealing with depression. Everyone’s different, what works for everyone is different. There’s a reason why some people who are diagnosed with depression decide to take antidepressants while others choose to see a therapist and still others do neither. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. I started writing this post mostly because I wanted to talk about what I’ve been going through. I apologize if that seems selfish.

So, I Got A Crockpot

Photo by Sarah Brown on Unsplash

About two weeks prior to me writing this, it was my birthday. (Happy Birthday Me!) One of the gifts I received was a slow cooker and I finally got a chance to try it out. So, I went online, searched for some recipes and got started.

The recipe I decided to try out was for "Slow Cooker Chicken Parmesan Tortellini".

Ingredients
1 jar (24ish oz) of tomato basil pasta sauce
2 cups of chicken broth
1.5 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 20oz package of cheese-filled tortellini
1 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese or 4 oz of non-shredded mozzarella
1 teaspoon of salt

Directions

1. Spray 5-quart slow cooker with cooking spray.
2. Mix pasta sauce, chicken broth and salt in cooker
3. Add chicken breasts to slow cooker and cover.
4. Cook on low setting for 3 to 4 hours (or until juice of chicken is clear when cut)
5. Remove chicken from slow cooker and transfer to cutting board.
6. Stir tortellini into cooker. Cover and cook on Low for 15 minutes
7. While pasta cooks, cut chicken into strips or chunks (you can also shred it with a fork, if you want)
8. Top tortellini with chicken and then over chicken with mozzarella cheese.
9. Cover and cook for 15 minutes, or until cheese is melted.

Verdict

I picked this dish because it sounded like something easy to make. While I've used a slow cooker before, I hadn't used this model before, which has different features than my mother's which is about 15 years old. This was also my first time cooking chicken in a slow cooker and I'm very paranoid about accidentally giving myself salmonella. 

All of that being said, this recipe was a pretty good choice as a "I need to test this out" recipe. I did put a little bit too much chicken stock in, because I wasn't paying attention, but overall, it tasted good. Will I make it again? I'm not sure, but at least I know how to use this device.

Here is a picture of the tasty fruits of my labors:

(While this was a post about cooking, I'm not going to suddenly turn into a cooking blog. I might post some cooking/food related content in the future, but it won't be on a regular basis. I just wanted to talk about my slow cooker adventure.) 

What's your opinion about slow cookers? Are there any recipes you'd recommend?

A Few Ways to Handle Stress

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

Would you like to know what one of my least favorite sentences of all time is? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s any variation of the sentence “you don’t need to stress about that”. At best, it sounds like an empty platitude I hear because the person doesn’t know what else to say. At worst, its entirely dismissive of what I’m feeling and shows no interest in being helpful. Stress is part of being human, everyone experiences it. It’s the feeling of a situation demanding more from you believe you’re able to provide.

So, today, instead of telling you why you shouldn’t stress, I’d like to name a few ways I deal with stress. These are tactics and activities that work for me, and I hope they work for you. I know not everyone reacts to stress the same way. These aren’t in any particular order as they’ve all worked for me, albeit in different situations.

• Yoga-  This is an activity that I do when I feel stressed but can’t immediately figure out what the cause is. Often time, there are several factors causing me to stress out and this helps me clear my mind of everything and focus on just breathing and yoga poses. You don’t necessarily even need to do yoga poses. There have been times where I just sit on my yoga mat and do some breathing exercises as a way to calm down.
• Walk away- Let’s say you’re stressed about a school assignment or project at work. Sometimes, you just need to walk away and be away from your work for a little bit. Take a walk around the block. Go eat some lunch or a snack (away from your computer). Switch to a completely different task for a little bit, just to take some time away from the project you’re getting stressed about.
• Make Art- Sometimes, you just need to get creative. Not everyone can draw or paint, but anyone can color. Studies have shown that coloring can reduce anxiety levels, meaning its ideal for stress reduction. Adult coloring books have become popular for a reason, they cause you to focus on a single activity, coloring, which has effects similar to meditating.
• Blog (or write) about it- Sometimes, I find myself getting stressed because I feel like I don’t have an outlet to talk about things that I’m feeling. I get stressed, I feel like I can’t discuss my stress and that causes me more stress. Part of the reason why I started blogging was to deal with my stress. There are a number of posts that I’ve written that I didn’t publish because I just needed to get all of my frustrations and feelings out. This has also helped me figure out what things seem to be stressing me out on a regular basis
• Get physical- Sometimes, stress is from restless energy we have. Or our minds overthinking things. One thing I started doing when I was looking for jobs was going for runs or going to the gym. The exercise tired me out, which let me get out a lot of the frustration I was feeling that was causing me stress. It doesn’t need to be vigorous exercise, just enough to tire you out a little bit and release some pent-up energy.
• Take A Nap- Sometimes, I stress about thing I can’t control in the slightest. And sometimes, the things I stress about are of the Wait-and-See variety. Or other tactics don’t prove useful in this case. So, I take a nap, or at least try to. Even if I don’t actually manage to fall asleep, laying there, in the dark without my phone or computer in front of me helps me unwind. Sometimes, saying “I’m going to bed, I’ll finish this tomorrow” is the best thing you can do for your own mental health.

Those are a handful of stress-relieving techniques I use. Not every technique fits every situation and the effectiveness varies depending on what exactly the problem is and how much it's upsetting me. Still, at least one has worked every time I've needed to relieve some stress. Since I've started dealing with stress instead of trying to ignore it or power through it, I've found myself happier as a whole.

That's how I deal with stress, how do you handle it?

Five Habits I’m Hoping to Abandon in 2020

As the saying goes “New Year, New You”. As 2019 comes to a close, and what a year it’s been, I’ve started looking forward to the new year. I’m pretty sure everyone is and people have already started discussing their New Year’s Resolution. Personally, I never make a resolution. I’m not going to criticize anyone who sets a resolution, or any goal really, but that kind of thing never works for me. I set a resolution and if I fall behind or I mess up, I start beating myself up about the delay and/or setback and that causes me more stress than fulfilling the resolution itself.

With all of that said, I’ve compiled a list of five behaviors or habits I’m trying to rid myself of in the coming year. I hope posting it on here, and doing check-ins every now and then will motivate me to actually stick with this.

5) Saying “No” Out of Fear

I mentioned in an earlier post that people don’t like change because its scary. I’m reluctant to try new things because they might not be fun or I might not be good at it. But, as you can probably see, there’s no way I can know until I try. This habit doesn’t just refer to say, learning how to rock climb, it also encompasses a habit I know I’m guilty of. If I’m invited to something, and I don’t think I’ll know enough other people there, I don’t go. Looking back at how many times I’ve sent the “sorry, something came up, I can’t come” text in the last few years makes me sad. How much time with my own friends have I missed out on because I’m scared of being awkward or not knowing many people? So, my aim in 2020 is to do less of that. To still go to the party, even if only two or three people I know are there. To actually go to that art class or on that trip.

4) Eating Unhealthy Foods

So, I kind of have a problem. I love junk food. I know pizza, Doritos and Oreos aren’t healthy for me, but I love them none the less. I also know that there are improvements to my diet I can, and should be making. Eating more vegetables and whole grains, trying to reduce the amount of sugar and saturated fats in my diet. I’m not planning on making any huge lifestyle changes, such as going vegan or cutting out all carbs, but I’m going to try and eat a little healthier in the new year. Less fast food, less red meat, less processed food, etc. I’m hoping this change might help improve my energy levels and reduce some other occasional issues I've been dealing with.

3) Holding Onto Anger

I’m a human being. We don’t always act rationally. When people wrong me, or anger me, I hold onto it. I know that’s not healthy. I acknowledge that its not healthy for me mentally. I don’t enjoy being angry all the time. So, I’m going to try not to be. Instead of focusing on how Person A cut me off in traffic, or a confrontation I had with Person B three days ago, I’m going to start learning how to let things go. After all, anger hasn’t helped me get anything constructive done in a long time.

2) Spending on Things I Don’t Need

I feel like this one is a no-brainer, but I’ll explain anyway. I’m in my 20s. I’m pretty much broke, as most people are in their 20s. However, I don’t want to stay broke. Part of this comes from having debt I’m paying off, or just not having enough savings. In order to build up your savings, though, you need to actually save. My hope is that in 2020, I’ll be a little bit wiser and be more fiscally responsible. I don’t need to order takeout as often as I do. I can bring lunch to work instead of buying it from the closest sandwich shop. Now, that’s not to say I won’t splurge occasionally, but I’m going to put a serious effort into reducing my day-to-day spending.

1) Procrastinating

At time of writing, it is December 23^rd. Christmas is in two days. I still haven’t finished my shopping. A lot of my day-to-day stress comes from the fact that I procrastinate. I convince myself I have way more time to finish something than I do, then I freak out when the deadline is right around the corner and spend more time worrying about getting the task done and the quality than it would have taken if I’d either completed it earlier, or slowly worked towards finishing. I feel that procrastinating less will hopefully make my 2020 less stressful.

Those are the habits I'm hoping to abandon in 2020. Wish me luck!

Why Is It So Hard to Know Yourself?

Photo by Doug Robichaud on Unsplash

Why Is It So Hard to Know Yourself?

I was talking to a friend recently. I'd told her a few months ago that I had decided to start online dating again, but I hadn't mentioned it in a while. It came up in conversation recently, and she asked me how it was going, if I'd met someone new, if I'd stopped looking, etc. My answer probably sounded a little strange to her (but I also overthink things) because I said I'd pressed pause on dating for a little bit, as I was dealing with some personal stuff.

My personal stuff wasn't anything bad or serious. I just realized that I needed to figure out who I am now. To be clear, I haven't gone through some major life change recently or anything. The closest major thing I can think of that happened was getting my first "real" job, and that was almost a year ago.

Still, recently I've been trying to figure out who I am. Because I'm a real adult now. And not only am I a real adult, but I'm having to think about things differently. I'm learning to do things for myself, like dealing with car problems myself instead of calling my dad in a panic. Or signing up for, and completing the necessary paperwork, to get health insurance or start a 401k. Needing to do these things for myself for the first time is an interesting and eye-opening experience. I don't know anything about investments or who I want my beneficiaries to be.

Anyway, I'm getting off-topic. I've been taking some time to figure out who I am now. The fact that I needed to do that made me start thinking. Why is it so hard to know yourself? Why is it so hard for anyone to know themselves? I think I might've found the answer, or at least, an answer.

It's so hard for us to know ourselves because we don't like change. As humans, we change throughout our life. At 25, I'm not the same person I was at 16. When I turn 35, I won't be the person I am now. That's natural, it's human nature. But in our ability to change comes a contradiction. We don't like change, we often don't want things to change. Change is scary. At the same time, we know its inevitable. We know change is how we grow. We just don't want to admit it. Some of our reluctance comes from fear of the unknown. Entering a new stage in your life means new challenges, gaining new perspectives. Some reluctance comes from regrets. Opportunities we didn't take full advantage of when we could have. Chances we didn't take.  Behaviors we aren't proud of. It's a well-known trend that most of us find old journal entries or old photos and cringe at the clothes we used to wear or the dreams we used to have. We don't want to move from where we currently are, but we don't want to be stuck there either.

We're always changing. Always evolving, Always learning. This is why I dread being asked "tell me about yourself" because I don't fully know who I am. I don't know if I ever will.

I apologize if this is a little too heavy or too philosophical for some, but I needed to get it off my chest.

The Awkwardness of Office Secret Santa

It's December which means its holiday season. With the holidays comes many traditions I love, and one that always makes me nervous: office secret Santa. Now, don't get me wrong. I like giving gifts, I like doing gift exchanges. And I love the general feel of the holiday season. The one thing I don't love is when the gift exchange/secret Santa happens in a work environment.

I feel like the best way to explain my awkwardness and anxiety would be to back up a little bit and do some explaining. I'm 25, meaning I just started my career. I'm still at my first full-time, "real person" job. And the office secret Santa means I have to buy a gift for someone I know, yes, but also someone I work with. In a secret Santa exchange among friends, I know the person better and I've got a better feel for how they think and what they like. I do work in a small office, so I know almost everyone, with the exception of one employee who works remote and I've never actually met. However, knowing someone in a work setting is much different from knowing them in general. Adding to my anxiety is the fact that many of the people I work with have been working together for years. Two of the more senior staff members have worked together for over forty years. I know my coworkers, but not that well, having only worked there for less than a year.

I happened to get very lucky since the person who's name I drew is someone I sort of know well. By "sort of well" I mean that I was able to weed out a few ideas of things she might not like. I was terrified that I was going to draw the name of either one of the heads of the company, or someone I rarely speak to. However, even knowing my giftee didn't improve on my anxiety. I spent days looking through articles and posts about what to get my office secret Santa. I didn't want to get her something specifically for the office, as that seemed a little lame. I also didn't want to try and get anything that was too specific, like something with the logo of her favorite sports team on it, because I wasn't convinced that I would pick the right team. Lastly, I didn't want to get anything too basic or easy. Giving someone a mug with their first initial is fine as part of a gift, but not the whole gift. Gift cards take almost no work.

I suppose my anxiety about this topic comes from not wanting to give a "bad" gift. What is a "bad" gift, you may ask? I really don't have a concrete idea. I suppose in this context, it would be a gift that looks like I didn't put any thought into it, or one that doesn't fit the giftee's personality well. Now, deep down, I know that the woman I'm buying a gift for will appreciate whatever gift I get for her as long as its thoughtful. She's one of the nicest people I've ever met and I honestly don't feel like the point of Secret Santa is to somehow one-up everyone else in my office. Rationally, I know that. Emotionally, I'm just worried about looking stupid or seeming like I don't care.

So, with what I know about the person who's name I picked, a $20 gift limit and everything I mentioned above, what did I get her? A scarf. I bought her a scarf made out of a really soft fabric and the color will look good on her and bring out the color her eyes.

This experience has taught me exactly one thing: I need to get to know my coworkers a little bit better to avoid getting this stressed next year.

Anyone Else Have a Weird Job?

So, I get asked basically the same question on every first date and every time I run into someone after not seeing them for over two months. What do you do for work?/Where do you work? It’s an understandable question. Given that I’m no longer in school, I clearly must have a job. The problem isn’t the question itself, its in me not knowing exactly how to answer it.

For some people, that question is easy. I ask what they do and they say “teacher” or “nurse” or “police officer”, etc. For others, it involves a little more information “I work at a nonprofit”, “I work in marketing”, “I work in a research lab”. The average person knows what that means or can guess. For me, I need to either choose between giving an answer that’s not entirely true, or needing to spend the next few minutes explaining further in depth. Because not only do most people not like to think about the industry I work in, but most don’t know that companies like mine exist.

Let me back track a bit and explain: I work in the operations and commissions department at a brokerage general agency for life insurance. I’m guessing most of you have no idea what that means. If you don’t, that’s fine. I’m not going to explain it, because knowing what it is isn’t important to the point I’m trying to make.

Here’s the problem with the “what do you do” question for me: explaining what a brokerage general agency is confuses a lot of people. They either hear “I work for an insurance company” or they hear “I sell insurance”. Neither of which is true. I sometimes try explaining it again, other times I just say “kinda” and move on.

Thinking about the way that conversation usually goes got me thinking about how many other people are in the same situation. I’m sure there are plenty of jobs that not everyone knows exist. It’s either in such a specific field that only others in the same field would know about it, or its not an industry most people interact with on a daily basis. How many weird or hard-to-explain jobs are out there that I don’t know about?

Anyone else have a job other people wouldn’t know about?